I've seen the pictures, I know that girl exists. Sure, she was around when I was younger...maybe a lot younger...but she was there, I have proof!
So why can't I find her? That girl...the skinny one.
I am a big fan of THIS blog and read the Brunette Bombshell religiously. She talks about her weight problems...not a lot...but enough. She mentions watching Opera and being inspired to talk about her challenges, but watching Opera doesn't do that to me. As a matter of fact, it does exactly the opposite...I don't need help finding the roller coaster, pretty sure I can do that all by myself.
She also talks about reading a book once that tells how giving a name to your eating disorder will separate you from your disorder and help on the road to recovery. I don't know much about eating disorders...or if "overeating" qualifies as an eating disorder, but I'm going with...yes. Maybe I am saying "yes" because I just want to name it...but whatever.
So...a name. BB (that's short for Brunette Bombshell) said most people call theirs Ed. She thought Ned sounded better...smaller. I don't like being the same as everyone else, so I can't name my issue either of those. Here are the ideas I have so far:
Jack - you know...because eating disorders Jack you around. However, I have a positive name association with that name, although spelled different...so this one is out.
Forrest - this one works well as a metaphor...I want to get out of the freaking fat forest!
Lance - if I was addicted to Lance crackers, this might work, but I can't stomach the idea of putting a dry crusty thing meant for birds in my mouth. I've eaten less than 6 packages of Lance crackers in all my 34 years, 11 months and 20 some odd days.
Lloyd - There are 2 L's...like I need 2 L's...like I need 2 helpings of chocolate cake!?
I don't know...I might need to wait to be inspired.
In the mean time, tonight I took some initiative and decided to go to the gym. As I was making my way to change my clothes I passed all of the new exercise rooms. There was a huge renovation down where the pool used to be and I had yet to go to any of the classes...tonight seemed like the perfect day to change that. I saw a spin class just starting so I hurried to change and rushed right in.
Right into HELL!
This is not a joke.
I have participated in a number of the spin classes offered at KSU (as well as other places), but it has been a while. I walked in and picked a bike close to the door. I made a few adjustments but knew automatically that it would not take long for my butt to remember the pain this class would cause.
Now let me rewind here for a second...before we had these new fancy exercise rooms they would kick the guys out of the (huge) basketball gym (they were THRILLED about that) and drag in our cycling bikes. Sometimes they would bring in a big fan, but not always. And they had a sound system on wheels too...clever, effective and it just worked.
Well...the new spin studio is just a titch different. The room is about 30' x 40' with bleached hardwood floors and high ceilings. I'm pretty sure the bikes are the same as the ones that where wheeled in previously...but now they are permanent and sitting on rubber mats. The instructors bike faces about 30 or 40 bikes used by those taking the class. HERE'S THE CATCH...those 30 or 40 bikes, in this beautiful new room, sitting, waiting for the 30 or 40 people just begging to be tortured ARE FACING A HUGE WALL COVERED ENTIRELY BY MIRRORS!
I've been in spin classes with walls covered in mirrors before, but they turned the lights down and had a nifty disco ball. This class had the HUGH WALL COVERED ENTIRELY BY MIRRORS AND THE LIGHTS ON THE ENTIRE TIME! I'm sure there is a perfectly good explanation for this...maybe feeling AND watching your fat bounce up and down is more effective than just feeling. And I'm sure watching yourself in the mirror helps keep your posture in check. Or at least that is what I tried to focus on to stop myself from bursting into tears. It was a tough hour, but I made it. Well...I was 10 minutes late and she ended a good 5 minutes early...but I made it! our instructor said we rod the equivelent of about 15 miles. Since I missed the 10 minutes at the beginning let's just say I road 12 miles.
So, I know it's ambitious but I checked out the class schedule and there's a class from 6:30-7:30 a.m. The perfect time to allow me to get to my 8 a.m. class. Maybe there will be less skinny, athletic and perfect women in the 6:30 a.m. class.
I can't imagine I'll make it...but at least I know there's a class. Right?
I'll figure it out.