Sunday, March 29, 2009

I recently posted a new blog for your reading pleasure (Why Mormon Girls Stay Single) and have given some thought to their latest post: Mistake #41: All Girl Trips.

At first I was just humored, thinking about how these guys (or at least I assume they are guys) like to share loads of wisdom about why we Single Mormon Gals (SMG's for future reference) are exiled to a life of loneliness and many, many cats.  But then the more I thought about it I realized it is my duty as a SMG to either set the record straight or if the need arises, give credit where credit is due.

In the case of mistake #41: All Girl Trips, I don't know where to start.  No wait, sure I do: your grapevine.  It has a serious case of wilt rot or maybe it came in contact with the Bubonic plague, because you are seriously misguided and misinformed.  First of all, let's pretend there IS a single guy friend that is around and wants to come on an all girl trip.  The whole point of your blog is to point out that we SMG's are single for all of these mistakes, but how would allowing/inviting said single guy friend on MY vacation with other SMG's change that?  After all, isn't he just a friend?  

By your comments you insinuate that single guy friend might want more, he might just want to be around you more, spend a little R&R to get to know the real you.  Well my friend an ALL GIRLS TRIP is not the place to do it!  You want to get to know me?  Ask me out on a date!  You know what those are, right?  Dinner, or a movie, maybe out to a Braves game.  I know it's hard to remember what to do, but I am sure you have a married guy friend that can show you the ropes!

And don't be surprised, insulted or otherwise offended when you ask to go on an ALL GIRLS TRIP, IF we say yes, we will treat you like one of the girls.  Oh yes, my friend, put on your big girl panties, stand up straight and put your shoulders back because you're in a completely different league now.  If ANY single guy I knew asked if he could tag along on an all girls trip for the single purpose of getting closer to me in order to eventually ask me out, then we know why he's single.

No, you are not THAT annoying, and yes, we love that the only thing you watch besides ESPN is the History channel, but IF you want to get away with me and my girls - don't go solo!  You won't do me and my girls any good if you mope around like a little lost puppy, so if you insist on being a part of an ALL GIRLS TRIP (AGT), convince me that a HALF & HALF TRIP would be much more fun and bring along 4 of your best buds for my 4 best girls.  That way when you start to bug the crap out of us, we can send you away and not feel bad about it.

And since we said yes and you obviously really, really want to be on the trip, you can't complain when all we want to do is sit around and watch chick flicks, get mani's & pedi's and lay in the sun.  We brought lots of magazines, have not had a tan in 347 days and we don't want to listen to your whining.

AGT's are not about getting to know someone of the opposite sex, they are about the girls.  Hence, the ALL GIRLS TRIP title.  No one is complaining that they have too many girl friends and worse, we are not complaining that we have no guy friends.  We don't want a good guy FRIEND, we want a good BOYFRIEND that will eventually turn into an amazing HUSBAND.  And yes, it may very well be in retaliation for you not having invited us on any trips.  You are NOT incapable of planning...I don't care which gene you carry in your little pocket.  You can plan, I have seen you do it to impress that girl that is WAY out of your league.  You are just lazy.  I don't want to plan anything for you right now, I want to be swooned and swept off my feet.  Once we are married and I have that MRS degree, then along to work and I will make sure that life runs at home just as we intend and when vacation time comes around, you will not be disappointed.

And maybe there is a list of reasons to go "sans-men", and you put it right there for me to analyze:

1) You only go through this whole self-improvement phase to gain the approval of other rival women (which you secretly hate btw...)
1) Self-improvement lasts a lifetime, something most people have come to accept.  And as much as I seek the approval of my man (and I do) getting an honest opinion from my bff's is in a close second.  And I hate to break it to you...we don't hate each other, on the contrary we hope and pray for each others success, btw...

2) You're actually trying to get your groove back in exotic places with non-MoMo guys. Stella, this only leads you down a slippery slope.
2) Beep Beep Beep...this is a public service announcement: Non-MoMo guys are the only ones asking MoMo gals out.  I think the saying goes something like this "the squeeky wheel gets the oil" - I'm just sayin.

3) You feel uncomfortable with your body and you feel that only a girl can relate. (If I'm not mistaken, most of the comments from girls categorize men as "fat and balding." From that perspective, I think we can all be in agreement that your muffin top won't be a topic of discussion.)
3) I don't feel uncomfortable with my body and could care less who relates.  The only people I have heard recently utter the words "fat and balding" are men.  Women don't want perfect, we realize we are not and we hope you will accept us, muffin top and all.  And you're right, the AGT is no place to discuss any physical flaw, that's why it's called a VACATION!

3) You're just trying to get tanned with your girlfriends so you can attract guys later. Well crap, who's going rub tanning lotion on your back then?
3...again?) Non-MoMo guys do a fine a job rubbing tanning lotion as MoMo guys.  But here's a no-brainer, rather than seem like the slutty MoMo gals we know you are hoping for in a Future Mrs. we could always ask one of our bff's.

4) You really have some pressing issues to mull over with your girls that a sleepover can't suffice.
4) No.  We really just want to go on vacation.

5) You really love telling the guy who bought you an alcoholic drink that, "I can't, I'm Mormon."
5) What?  Do you think we're stupid?  We know all about date rape drugs and jazz like that, no one is taking a drink from a stranger.  And we don't have to make an announcement about our religion, a simple "thank you" or "no thank you" will suffice.

Like I said, I will give credit were credit is due and safety is a concern, but I think WMGSS went a little over the top.  The last time I checked I didn't see any single, available MoMo men bench pressing a semi, dressed all in green, just waiting to accompany me as my personal body gaurd to my destination of choice.  (But if there are any of you out there, hit me up...I am dying to head to the middle east.)  So although (some of) your points are valid, let's discuss:
  • No protection whatsoever. How much do you really trust 4'9", 97 lbs Trisha watching your back?
  1. Truth is, I trust Trisha...Heather, April, Laura, Megan,  Nicole, Heidi, Shannon, Kristen, Martha, Charisse, Monika, Jennife, etc...with my life.
  2. You were awfully concerned about our muffin top earlier...I suppose you never won the "let's guess her weight" game, did ya?
  • Sorry girls, but common sense in foreign locations never was your forte. See Brokedown Palace, Taken, Return to Paradise, & Missing in Aruba: The Natalee Holloway Case.
  1. Yeah, I've seen those MOVIES!  They were super scary, had a great plot and extremely suspenseful...but they are movies.  
  2. Yes, Natalee Holloway was a real live woman, who although did not deserve what happened to her, made a decision that we MoMo gals wouldn't make.  
  3. MoMo gals don't drink, do drugs or put themselves in a position to star in their own suspense thriller.
  4. Wasn't that a man (or 3) who made a mistake that put them in hot water in Return to Paradise?  
  5. And wasn't that a woman whose pursuit it was to rescue that man?  I'm just saying.
  6. Please criticize my common sense, I just love that!  And it will certainly get you an invitation on an AGT. 
  7. We all know that horrible things happen to undeserving people all the time.  Who says having one lonely single guy friend there would make a difference?
  • Add extra risk if you're a blond. As much as the first guy seems flattering, the next 300 Italian men fondling you make American guys seem like Prince Charming.
  1. Good thing I'm a brunette.
  • Foreign guys DO NOT understand the word "No."
  1. Some American guys DO NOT understand the word "No" either.  
  2. Please refer to item #3 above.
  • If you're getting taken advantage of at Meineke Car Care, good luck with Cantonese street markets, the Taj Mahal vendors, Cancun taxi drivers, or some sketch cabana boy in Majorca, Spain.
  1. Ha! Ha! Credit.
  2. If we are getting taken advantage of at Meineke, take a moment from your busy schedule and teach us how to take better care of ourselves in situations like this.  We will like you a lot more.
  • Who will you dance with? Will it be the guy who grinds you into a full on DH, or will it be Mr. Axe cologne who's just scouring the club for his next human trafficking victim.
  1. We are all God's children.  Everyone deserves a chance.
  2. We really can walk away from men like this.  We do it at the singles dances ALL THE TIME!
  3. We are girls, we are secure enough to dance alone or with our bff's.
  • Who will give you a blessing if you get hurt?
  1. I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (sing along with me!) might have heard of it?  It's all over the world!  There may even be a worthy Priesthood holder on our cruise ship.  
  2. Or a set of missionaries serving in Timbuktu...where we decided to vacation  this year on our ALL GIRLS TRIP!
  • What are the chances you know the language...proficiently? Rosetta Stone only halfway works in a business meeting and is a non-factor when local colloquialism is involved.
  1. What are the chances that YOU know the language proficiently?  There are almost 7,000 languages spoken on this planet, do you know ALL of them?  
  2. If the answer to #1 is yes, you are welcome on any trip I take.
  3. I realize there is a language barrier to travel, that is not going to make me stay home and hide in my closet for the rest of my life...single or not.
  4. People who can't speak English come to American all the time...I am just thinking we have the freedom to visit their home countries too.
The point is, it's an all girls trip because we like our bff's.  A lot.  We don't like them more than you and they can't fill your shoes.  We don't want to kiss them, or have their babies or grow old with them.  But you can't fill their high heels either.  

Some of my most memorable vacations were Half & Half trips.  We would love it if you made the effort to get to know us before deciding you need to vacation with us.  We also wouldn't mind it if you suggest a triple date to the Virgin Islands with our bff's and their significant others.  We would love that too.  

So, put down the luggage and step slowly away from our AGT.  They are OURS.  You can not have them.  You do not want them.  I promise.  We will fight for them to the death, after marriage and children we will still want our all girls trips...I hope.

And just in case you actually think that an AGT builds the Great Wall of China in front of any potential we Single Mormon Gals have of earning our MRS degree, you are sadly mistaken.  Since we have not only vacationed with dozens of fabulous, amazing, wonderful, inspiring bffs over the years...we have also attended their wedding receptions!  

This has been fun, I look forward to more posts over at WMGSS.  I hope they provide as much brain food, less spelling errors and good reading for all.



Rocketgirl said...

Right on! I am a fan of his blog - but that entry was just dumb. It sounds like someone went on vacay and left him and he's all bitter about it. When he gets married, he'll be THRILLED there are some girls around to give his wife that girl time they need - even trips. Sounds like someone needs to invite him along, poor sap. HE's sad. Right, right on!!!!

Landlocked Shores said...

I DESPISE her! She was fun to read for a minute but I'm over her... she makes me mad. She deserves to be single for the rest of all ETERNITY!
loves :)

Martha H. said...

You go girl!!!! I *heart* you!

Supershepherds said...

Thank you for defending our sacred AGTs so elouquently and I appreciate the shout-out. I belive fewer marriages would end in divorce if more women took an AGT every now and again, with the support of their husbands. Even if the day comes when all my BFFs are married and can go on a couples' excursion, I will always feel rejuvinated and able to be a better wife after some girl time with my sisters, my mom and my BFFs.