Thursday, February 21, 2013

I lied...

In my last post I said "Odd how much easier the getting on with your life seems when the mourning has been in motion for so long." It was a lie.  Getting on with my life is only pretend, I feel frozen.

Sometimes I catch myself looking around for him because I [think I] hear his voice.  Or my stomach aches because the only memory I can muster is the one of us doing that thing or being there, right there were things were perfect.  Goodness it is sad.

It seems to only be getting worse, on Valentine's Day (of all stupid days) I lost my job.  It was a witch hunt.  Which doesn't speak well of me, as I am no witch.  It has been bad, quite bad.  

A friend told me last night that I changed.  He said "I used to hear you smile the moment you answered the phone.  Now I am sitting right in front of you and I can't even see it."  He's right.  I have changed.

Do you think it was when I moved?  Can a city really make that much of a difference?  Or maybe it's the people.  Or maybe it's the fact that when I came here, to be with him, I really was giving it everything I had.  Every bit of me.

So yes, I lied a big fat lie.  It is not easier.  It is more painful.  I'm sure it will get better, but in the meantime, it just hurts.

They say..."we are not friends, we are strangers with a past."  Such a harsh reality, don't you think?

Lies.  All lies.


Alison said...

Katherine, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Know that you are loved.

Captivating Eyes said...

Sorry to hear all this. :( I wish that a switch could make everything better! I'm thinking about you!